Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
