I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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