You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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