I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
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