Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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