She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize