insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
