you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
