omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
