Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
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