Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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