I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Randomize