Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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