im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Randomize
