Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
