the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Randomize
