brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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