Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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