Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
