Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize