I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize