Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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