How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
