Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
