I'm lost and stupid without you.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Randomize
