just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
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