Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Randomize
