watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
