I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Randomize
