If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize