I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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