I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
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