i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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