fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
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