and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Randomize
