I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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