im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
