Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
