FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
