I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
you had me at cake vodka
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize