I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
