i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
