I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
