Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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