I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
