Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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