I wannas sexs uuuuu
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
