The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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