well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
