It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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