you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
You're like the curious george of whores
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Randomize
