lol you are funny thanks bro I'll take you to a strip club
I don't wanna go to a strip club I'd rather get my boobs free or earn them from a series of good deeds
Ha! What's wrong with that? Hard work deserves compensation. I accept cash, checks, and boobies!
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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