I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
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