did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize