Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
