Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Holy shit dude........stairs
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize