So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
Randomize
