I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
BRING THE BAGELS
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
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