I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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