my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
