I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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