Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
