I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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