Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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