I'm going to jail i love you
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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